Welcome to the State of the Earth — A source for cosmonauts, subterranean mole people, and everyone in between. Each *indeterminate amount of time* the State of the Earth Address will present perspectives on the issues of the day, news from around the globe, and tips on how to be less of a goose (just in case anyone needs those).
PSA: FIRE SSSSAFETY
A coloured “smoke-generating pyrotechnic device”, meant to reveal the sex of an expectant, smog-loving American couple’s baby, was recently the culprit behind 92 kilometres of Californian wildfire. MR. KOYA finds both the explosive bash and humankind’s underlying obsession with genitals perplexing- is it all just smoke and mirrors (emphasis on the former) to distract from unboxing our gender-stereotype-fueled, redundant, head start on living vicariously through our children?
Meanwhile, the Land of Oz is getting fired up for what is sure to be another increasingly-combustible Australian summer. Sparked by this fateful harbinger of inferno, MR. KOYA is pleased to introduce Chokey the Red-Bellied Black Snake. As a bloke with a red-hot belly to the ground on the issue, Chokey is a natural choice for the bid of Aussie fire safety mascot.
Nobody wants to see Chokey choke.
FRIENDS OF KOYA
Some of our fellow KOYA crew, shaking what their genius gave them.
Go on — tag us while strutting on the socials. Or get in touch with firstname.lastname@example.org
Unlike the number of sultanas (or raisins, for our American brethren) in All Bran, the current conspiracy count is pretty high. We’ve had to dig out another room in the underground bunker to contain all the documentation.
With our Melbourne roots firmly planted (so we didn’t travel more than 5km) in the Yarra’s nourishing soils, we observed the rise of COVID conspiracies as Premier Dan Andrew’s face sagged further and further towards the ground, with nothing but a single faded North Face jacket to shield him from 5G’s contaminating coldfront. Even the jacket was concocting new conspiracies - and rightfully so.
Our statistics team has been eyeing different theories to see who has the most runs on the board. The anti-vaxxers are hitting it for six. They are taking up more oxygen than ever before, leaving precious little for those with virus-ravaged lungs. We’d like to pop their bubble with a needle - however all needles are currently being updated with the newest version of Bill Gates. We’ll have to use Occam’s razor instead.
Shall we just promise to go back to the fun conspiracies like the moon landing being real (as if), former Prime Minister Harold Holt faking his own death with the help of the Chinese, or Australia being a NASA illusion.
KULTURE SPOTLIGHT - EAGLE WRANGLING
Nestled high in the barren alpine mountains of Kazakhstan, a semi-nomadic clan team up with an aberrant partner - the golden eagle. Since the 15th century, young Kazakh boys at the ripe old age of 13 begin historic falconry training. Together, the tribe captures young female eagles to raise and train, then releases them to the wild seven years later for mating, and the cycle begins again.
And what were we all up to at age 13? Don’t beat yourself up too much - think of it all like a majestic version of your childhood Pokemon catching - which you were never good at any way.
REVEL IN THIS REVEAL
CONGRATULATIONS! You’re having a…
Child who loves the colour mauve!
Thanks to all new state-of-the-art medical technology, it’s now possible to know your incoming little one’s favourite shade as early as the end of the 1st trimester! No more agonising over which onesie hue, bedroom wall colour, or pacifier tone will make them the happiest - one simple test will reveal exactly what colour your new kiddo adores* and how to shape their entire life.
*favourite colour opinions are subject to change. Use at your own risk.
STITCH AND BITCH
Links, Kinks and Clinks of the Supply Chain
Everything we use in our fancy, modern lives has a long clinking supply chain slinking behind it, winking in the harsh sunlight. Making a simple t-shirt is quite the embroidered chainmail. Our shirts are never simple - that special seasoning has an extra production line in a mystical realm.
We think all the people involved in any item of clothing are pretty rad: from the farmer, to the packer, to the stacker, to the truckie, to the unpacker, to the operator, to the dyer, to the cutter, to the sewer (oops, seamer), to the presser, to the folder, to the racker, to the packer, to the stacker, to the sender, to you. Something to think about next time you button up.
Cheers to you all! Clink clink!
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With love and admiration —