Welcome to the State of the Earth — A source for cosmonauts, subterranean mole people, and everyone in between. Each *indeterminate amount of time* the State of the Earth Address will present perspectives on the issues of the day, news from around the globe, and tips on how to be less of a goose (just in case anyone needs those).
The MR. KOYA Sex Update
With each passing newsletter, the world seems to get just a little more in need of an explanation--and a lot farther from ever finding one. Donald T is doing some last minute American superspreading and our own New South Wales, State Premier Premier - Gladys B. found love and paid for it.
On the optimistic assumption that any newsletter that includes the word “sex” won’t be completely obliterated by junk mail filters, we turn our attention this week to... sex.
More specifically, how the public and media deals with sex when it’s discovered that our elected officials engage in it. The scandal-starved Aussie state of NSW was rocked last week by admissions from its Premier Gladys Berejiklian that she had been in a relationship with professional dodginess personifier Daryl Maguire - hombre de corrupción.
While NSW politics has always revolved around property developers chowing down on taxpayer money, land grants and political influence like a labrador on a bowl of spaghetti bolognese, this particular bombshell was notable in that it exploded next to somebody generally well-liked and considered to be more-or-less capable.
It appears the public can be forgiving if you’re otherwise perceived as trustworthy in relation to issues that matter most.
The moral of this story then is, if you’re going to have your tawdry trysts exposed in the public eye, at least prove yourself to not be a total plonker beforehand. Donald Trump - you have one day to take note.
PSA: FIRE SSSSAFETY
A coloured “smoke-generating pyrotechnic device”, meant to reveal the sex of an expectant, smog-loving American couple’s baby, was recently the culprit behind 92 kilometres of Californian wildfire. MR. KOYA finds both the explosive bash and humankind’s underlying obsession with genitals perplexing- is it all just smoke and mirrors (emphasis on the former) to distract from unboxing our gender-stereotype-fueled, redundant, head start on living vicariously through our children?
Meanwhile, the Land of Oz is getting fired up for what is sure to be another increasingly-combustible Australian summer. Sparked by this fateful harbinger of inferno, MR. KOYA is pleased to introduce Chokey the Red-Bellied Black Snake. As a bloke with a red-hot belly to the ground on the issue, Chokey is a natural choice for the bid of Aussie fire safety mascot.
Nobody wants to see Chokey choke.
Unlike the number of sultanas (or raisins, for our American brethren) in All Bran, the current conspiracy count is pretty high. We’ve had to dig out another room in the underground bunker to contain all the documentation.
With our Melbourne roots firmly planted (so we didn’t travel more than 5km) in the Yarra’s nourishing soils, we observed the rise of COVID conspiracies as Premier Dan Andrew’s face sagged further and further towards the ground, with nothing but a single faded North Face jacket to shield him from 5G’s contaminating coldfront. Even the jacket was concocting new conspiracies - and rightfully so.
Our statistics team has been eyeing different theories to see who has the most runs on the board. The anti-vaxxers are hitting it for six. They are taking up more oxygen than ever before, leaving precious little for those with virus-ravaged lungs. We’d like to pop their bubble with a needle - however all needles are currently being updated with the newest version of Bill Gates. We’ll have to use Occam’s razor instead.
Shall we just promise to go back to the fun conspiracies like the moon landing being real (as if), former Prime Minister Harold Holt faking his own death with the help of the Chinese, or Australia being a NASA illusion.
KULTURE SPOTLIGHT - EAGLE WRANGLING
Nestled high in the barren alpine mountains of Kazakhstan, a semi-nomadic clan team up with an aberrant partner - the golden eagle. Since the 15th century, young Kazakh boys at the ripe old age of 13 begin historic falconry training. Together, the tribe captures young female eagles to raise and train, then releases them to the wild seven years later for mating, and the cycle begins again.
And what were we all up to at age 13? Don’t beat yourself up too much - think of it all like a majestic version of your childhood Pokemon catching - which you were never good at any way.
REVEL IN THIS REVEAL
CONGRATULATIONS! You’re having a…
Child who loves the colour mauve!
Thanks to all new state-of-the-art medical technology, it’s now possible to know your incoming little one’s favourite shade as early as the end of the 1st trimester! No more agonising over which onesie hue, bedroom wall colour, or pacifier tone will make them the happiest - one simple test will reveal exactly what colour your new kiddo adores* and how to shape their entire life.
*favourite colour opinions are subject to change. Use at your own risk.
STITCH AND BITCH
Links, Kinks and Clinks of the Supply Chain
Everything we use in our fancy, modern lives has a long clinking supply chain slinking behind it, winking in the harsh sunlight. Making a simple t-shirt is quite the embroidered chainmail. Our shirts are never simple - that special seasoning has an extra production line in a mystical realm.
We think all the people involved in any item of clothing are pretty rad: from the farmer, to the packer, to the stacker, to the truckie, to the unpacker, to the operator, to the dyer, to the cutter, to the sewer (oops, seamer), to the presser, to the folder, to the racker, to the packer, to the stacker, to the sender, to you. Something to think about next time you button up.
Cheers to you all! Clink clink!
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With love and admiration —