MEET THE FAQ MASTER 3000


At MR KOYA,we depend on the FAQ Master 3000 to deliver our high levels of quality service,
attention to detail, and customer care.

He’s all about you folks, just look at him:

DELIVERY & RETURNS

When do my goodies arrive? I’m cold

Once we receive your order, our trained warehouse goats waste no time in getting your shit together. They’ll aim to have your shirt in the mail within three days. From there, our free shipping should take between 2 and 5 days to reach you.

How much is shipping? The closest I’ve been to Australia is seeing Peter Andre’s dick on the tube near Euston Square station.

Due to Australia’s efficient network of mail goats, shipping is completely free to addresses in Oz. There’ll be a small charge if you live overseas, as saltwater-resistant mail goats are required.

How do I check on my order? I’m worried that my shirt is going to nightclubs, or has joined a communist uprising.

Chances are, your shirt is just going through a phase. Contact us and we’ll track it down for you.

Massive gainz bro! I underestimated how muscular I am, and my shirt doesn’t fit so good – can I return or exchange it?

Of course. We offer free returns within 30 days, so just send the item back to us without your gunk all over it, and we’ll organise a store credit or full refund. It’s super simple.

How do I contact you? I have strong opinions, a foul mouth, and enjoy contacting companies to tell them exactly what’s on my mind.

Like neglected cavoodle puppies, we crave human interaction. Whether you’re checking on an order, curious about sizing, or just feel like shooting the shit, we’re always up for a chat. You can shoot us an email at hey@mrkoya.com or you can leave us a message on the contact page and we'll get back to you asap. 

Payment

What payment methods do you accept?

We accept Paypal and Credit Card, including VISA & MasterCard. Credit card payments are processed via Shopify and have the highest standard of data encryption and PCI compliance.

What currencies can I pay in?

Born in Australia. Orders are charged in Australian Dollars. Check out Bloomberg – if you’re buying in US Dollars you could be entitled to some sweet sweet arbitrage #notarbitrage.

Extra Charges?

We estimate import duty charges on check-out so you don’t have to pay any additional charges to receive your order. Most countries won’t be charged any duty.

Is Payment Secure?

Your financial details are passed through a secure server using the latest 128-bit SSL (secure sockets layer) encryption technology. 128-bit SSL encryption is the current industry standard.

Shirt Love

Are your shirts some kind of cosmic gift; the result of a fashion-based Big Bang distilling of all the universe’s energy into the fibres of a perfect garment?

Yes, good guess.

Are your shirts ethically made? I’ve got a thing about slave labour.

Rest assured that the only children we exploit are our own, and that’s because they’re naturals at making margaritas and playing golf.

How do I look after my MR KOYA shirt? My mummy refuses to do my laundry after I came home covered in raw chicken.

Make sure you read the care instruction label on each garment. For best results, we recommend hand washing or gentle machine washing in lukewarm water and hanging to air dry. Wash with similar colours and avoid bleaches, and always cook your chicken until it’s lightly browned.

Wisdom

What’s this rash on my inner thigh?

It’s probably some kind of fungus. No, really.

I’m anxious about climate change. What should I do?

While we wait for our leaders to enact meaningful, forward-thinking legislation, we suggest you wear whichever MR KOYA shirt conceals you best from predators.

What are frogs?

Frogs are a diverse and largely carnivorous group of short-bodied, tailless amphibians, with a body plan generally characterized by a stout body, protruding eyes, cleft tongue, limbs folded underneath, and the absence of a tail in adults.

My gimp tires easily. What can I do to pep him up?

Gimps need just as much love and affection as a dog or cat. Let him out of the gimp box, take him to the park, and throw a Frisbee around from time to time. Gimps also respond positively to regular feeding and fresh water.

Reviews

 

As everybody knows, shooting arrows into the still-twitching corpses of Roman soldiers can put a real strain on the shirt you’re wearing. And when you’re demanding fealty from a quivering Goth, you want to look your best, amirite? Thankfully Mr Koya makes shirts that are made to last, and look great too. 5 stars.
- Attila, no fixed address

 

That’s Gold Jerry! GOLD!
- Kenny Bania, NBC Seinfeld

 

Sometimes when my dhoti’s in the wash, I like to rock my Mr Koya shirt, hit the sauce with Leo Tolstoy, and play Mario Kart until 3am, blazin’.
- M. Gandhi, Delhi

 

Serio, Koya shirts sunt his pares et sic versatile, et calceamentis, et puellarum plus amant. Calce asinum!
- Cal Igula, Rome

 

Thank you for creating a cake which perfectly complemented our theme. It made our day extra special, and everybody commented on just what a delicious cake it was.
- Kelly Anne

 

We met with some Mr Koya representatives recently, and we suggested some design features for their upcoming range of shirts. Namely, we felt that both neck and arm holes are antiquated old tech for a shirt, and to ensure a slick and futuristic design, these holes should be removed. Nevertheless, Mr Koya have opted to continue with neck and arm holes, which we suppose lends them some kind of bespoke charm. #courage #timcook2020
- Apple Marketing Executive

 

I may be cylindrical, deep fried, and filled with potatoes and cheese, but I know good service when I see it. It’s so easy to return or exchange a Mr Koya shirt, it just warms my crumbs.
- A Croquette