Welcome to the State of the Earth — A source for cosmonauts, subterranean mole people, and everyone in between. Each *indeterminate amount of time* the State of the Earth Address will present perspectives on the issues of the day, news from around the globe, and tips on how to be less of a goose (just in case anyone needs those).
War, What is it Good For?
Amidst soaring worldwide suspicion of unsanitised handles, buttons, and surfaces in general, geopolitical tensions continue to percolate. Decades of tense standoffs between China and the United States have refused to become any less tense or standoffy during the COVID-19 crisis, which is surprising given it’s much more difficult to posture and antagonise rivals over Zoom.
On top of the usual historical grumbles, new technologies developed by China have raised the ire of the US Government, who claim both tech giant Huawei and dancing teenager app TikTok have been doing dodgy things with their user data. Huawei has denied the claims, while TikTok responded with a version of “Watermelon Sugar” by Kanye West’s spiritual advisor and a chihuahua cosplaying as Prince Andrew.
The Australian Government, meanwhile, ever keen to be perceived as a big boy on the world stage has pledged to bolster its defence capabilities by buying a few six packs of LRASM anti-ship missiles. While publicly stating the missiles are to be used as a deterrent in a volatile Asia-Pacific region, reliable sources say the LRASMs were actually purchased to counter the scourge of obnoxious party boats in Sydney Harbour.
4 HANDY TIPS TO SUPPRESS THAT LINGERING EXISTENTIAL DREAD
- Pat a dog
- Put some slices of citrus in sparkly water
- Check in with your friends
- Avoid looking at the night sky and the crushingly incomprehensible hugeness of an uncaring infinite universe
NOTHING SAYS AMERICAN PATRIOT LIKE A SHIRT INSPIRED BY POLYNESIANS
That’s a joke, except it isn’t.
The Boogaloo Bois were brought to our attention because someone thought one of our influencers had gone rogue.
We’re not sure where the Bois are going, but it probably isn’t good—and it’s definitely not in a MR. KOYA.
So how did they all get to wearing Hawaiian shirts? Probably a sly nod to American imperialism on the fair volcanic island chain. Worth noting the pineapple on the Boogaloo flag—it’s all about fruity subjugation these days. So far, no sightings of the Bois in Oz but we’re making the label global. Strange times.
Turns out Boogaloo has been circulating as a meme in white nationalist circles since 2010 where the big dream is for a civil disorder so bad that everyone starts jonesing for a dictator instead of a THC-induced late night pizza order.
The philosophy might be libertarian, but the uniform is liberal Hollywood—Breakin’2: Electric Boogaloo. But because of the risk of tropical flowers clashing with AR-15s in America or Australia or anywhere else in the word, we’ve decided to add new advice to our care label.
Not an approved MR.KOYA influencer, and not a MR. KOYA shirt
HAVE NO FEAR
Thank you, bubonic plague squirrels of Colorado. Kudos, Murder Hornets of Washington state...
Every so often the end of the world looks a smidgen closer. Nature dons its apocalyptic best. Storm clouds gather. Animals start behaving badly. And the Doomsday Clock maintained by the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists snuggles in just a little nearer to nuclear midnight.
But have no fear: MR. KOYA reminds us that we have all been here before—and some of us have even survived.
STICH AND BITCH
If you haven’t heard of a stitch & bitch before, it’s been around since WWII - like book club, but for quilts. Until recently, they were renegade matriarchal groups sewing the truth into the lining of society. Now, the stitch & bitch is everyone making their own masks while whining about wearing them. But many fashion houses have stopped normal operations to produce quantities of fabulous viral protective gear.
It’s the hottest new accessory to runway collections. Something niqaab wearers have been rocking for millennia. These ones, however, are gender-neutral. And hey, the right mask can really make your eyes pop! Or, accentuate your shoulders.
It is worth knowing the different levels of effectiveness before you cut up your favourite t-shirt or sock. Three layers of tightly woven cotton at least.
Practise safe masking everyone!