9 Jerks You'll Find in Sydney

In my journeys in and around Sydney, I feel it's important to take stock of some of the unique personalities that inhabit Australia's 7th best city

#1 The Surry Hills Band Guy

The pubs and studios in Surry Hills have dried up over the last few years, but the Surry Hills Band Guy pines for the glory days. With testicles asphyxiating in his tight-fitting women’s jeans, he lopes down Crown St, his skin pallid, his cigarettes dirt-cheap. He plays in an indie-psych pop band, but in his heart he craves the penetration of some deep melodic euro house.

#2 Elizabeth Bay Dog Owner

The One who speaks conversationally to their dog.

“What did I JUST say Cameron? I can’t believe you’d ate that off the street after I explicitly told you not to. You’re unbelievable sometimes Cameron. Honestly”.

#3 The CBD TGIF Powder Keg

The drudgery of the 9 to 5 takes its toll on many people, and whilst some of us like to sit back and relax with friends or family over a couple of beers on a Friday night, others like to pour Jaegermeister directly into their eyeballs, stumble down George Street, and get more obnoxiously fucked up than a barrel full of weasels in a Spam factory.

#4 The Common Hipster

(Inner West Edition)

Over the last few years the word hipster has lost all meaning, and yet somehow everybody knows exactly to whom it refers. The Common Hipster is often confused for the Surry Hills Band Guy, though while they might share a love of obscure Norwegian rockabilly, they differ in the number of artisans it takes to whittle the Hipster’s shaving implements, and how sustainably sourced their pickles are required to be.

#5 The Geezer

An otherwise affable pill-popping leather-skinned scallywag, with a very short fuse when it comes to the topic of whether music made in Manchester between 1989 and 1996 was, and remains, the pinnacle of all human endeavours.

#6 The Bro

We never endorse removal of a shirt unless in a special persons bedroom, but the Bro will be likely to have off with it at Festivals, Night Clubs, and Funerals. Often draped in an Australian, or country of origin flag, you’ll notice him in a hypnotic trance like state, armed with laser beam eyes that stare right through your soul and into the eyes of God. Figures show the Bro is 78% more approachable than he looks, and also 13% more likely to go with a Fist Bump + Boom greeting and exit combination. What’s not to love about the Bro.

#7 Bondi Backpacker Bandit

A regular cycle of French, Italian, Israeli, Irish, English, Swedish and other men invading & pillaging our Eastern shore. Fiercely tanned, luxuriously maned and likely ripped, the backpacker bandit may just be an ageless wonder. Often found playing soccer or volleyball on the beaches, these men use ‘sport’ as a mechanism for distraction as they eye local women and use the seductive language of ‘broken English’ to great predatory effect.

#8 The Crusader

Either a bit left of Anarchism, or a bit right of Fascism, it is the Crusader who flies the flag highest in Sydney. Sometimes a lacking personality, any productive form of self-expression, or even a stylish shirt, the Crusader will choose instead to attach itself to various social issues with a focus on anger and poor vibes. While sometimes displaying a smooth luxurious skinhead in public, you’ll most often find the Crusader fighting the great fight using a 2011 Dell in his father’s study room.

Just agree with what he says, it’s easier.

#9 The Northern Prophet

Life just isn't complicated up on the Northern Beaches. As white as they come, the Northern prophet is unfairly stereotyped as having long lion-mane like beach hair, with a bronze glow visible from Manly to Palm Beach. He’s a victim of generalisations including good looks, devastatingly strong surfing ability, and a love of Abbott.

His one weakness is that he can’t leave ‘God’s Country’. Like he actually can’t. If he misses the ferry he’s basically screwed.