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How to Avoid Fear & Loathing at a Shopping Mall

  • 2 min read

Your inner materialist, or your loved ones call on you to consume.

And now you’re journeying into the dark depths of our national weekend social institution – the mall.


Wherever you go, inevitable pain ensues


Similar to attending your least favourite co-worker's birthday party, it's an event you might try to avoid.

But if you’ve no choice, then here are strategies to help you take on the enemies that lurk within:

God speed soldier

 The Octo Mums

You might find yourself behind one of these creatures as she steers her enormous semi-trailer prams, while wielding retractable leashes which restrain her unruly spawn. Brace your ears when she tries to connect with an Apple Genius using her native language of shrill.


Oh the humanity


Try this: Best bet is to dodge and travel around the octo-mum when she commits her body weight during the act of berating her children.  

Store Clerks

Either too enthusiastically up your arse, or completely unaware of your miniscule existence – you’ll find 16 year old store clerks representing one extreme spectrum or another. All the while you’ll try to distinguish between whether the pair of pants you’re trying on are exactly the same as those you saw in the last six stores, or if you’re actually wearing another misplaced sales banner.

What did I do to deserve this?


Try this: Get behind the attendant and bring him to the ground. Take your dominant arm and wrap it around his neck. Your bicep should be pressed against one side of the neck and your forearm should be pressed against the other side. 

Squeeze your forearm and bicep together. After the clerk passes out, relax your arms, proceed to get up and back out of the store slowly. 

Adorable children

Terrible toddlers, snivelling-fidget-spinning-children, or teenagers awkwardly conversing with the opposite sex. That ‘buzz.’

Try this:Make a sport out of it, by matching and exceeding the nuisance caused by any children within earshot.

Ha, Ha?

Artillery in the Parking Lot

Nothing good ever came from time on a scouting mission in a congested parking lot. Add an hour for finding your ride on the way out and throw in 32 more hours if there’s a hint of holiday in the air.

Hell on earth


Try this:Molotov cocktail.


End of the day

You might want to leave the Westfield for weirdos, octomums, and commercial property developers.

Thanks to cyber technology, the lure of a more seamless shopping experience has never been more enchanting.

In some cases you’ll find easy navigation, free shipping, free returns and people who care & love.

That way, if and when youdo strangle a 16 year old pimply store clerk, at least you’ll look charming.